I haven’t been this angry in a long time. I have three real friends. Seriously. Fuck everyone else. I do so much for everyone I care about and all I get is a slap in the face from every “friend” I supposedly have. I haven’t felt like this ever and I don’t know whether to cry or go off on everyone.
I hate to see you happy. You don’t deserve it. Thought I forgave you, but I can’t forgive someone who’s never given me an apology.
I’m wasting my time typing this in the hopes that you’ll eventually read it, even though I know you won’t. Maybe I’ll stop being stingy and will actually send this to you.
I’m really tired of you saying you’re “#foreveralone” and you’re “still looking for a girl”. At first it was something I just rolled my eyes at but now it’s just really annoying. I’ve always been here and I’m pretty sure I’ll always be here. Name a time that you’ve come back into my life and I’ve rejected you. You can’t. Even with all the bullshit games you play and the times you’ve chosen other people over me, I’ve still fucking been here. And I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the hope that one day you’ll just cut all the crap but it’s been like four years and I’m pretty sure that won’t happen. I wish you could just grow up.
why am i still talking about this
It’s almost five in the morning and for some reason you’ve been on my mind a lot lately. You’ve snuck up on me many times the past four years and no matter what, my feelings are the same. I’m not even sure what they are, but they never seem to change. The games you play kill me, even though I don’t show that. I’ve dealt with them for too long and they don’t have the same effect on me as they used to, and that’s because I feel like we’re too old now for them. The worst thing is that you can never and have never really been just real about your feelings, I’ve been guessing for years.
You text me at random times and say you love me and respect me and things like that, but I don’t think you’ve ever done a good job at showing that. You talk to a lot of girls, you’ve always had, and sometimes I feel like you treat them better than you ever have me. You talk to them all the time and flirt etc, and all I get is mixed signals from you. Sometimes I question what I’m doing wrong, and I shouldn’t have to feel that way. I feel like you put no effort in. Right now I’m scared that you don’t care about me anymore, I mean you have chosen girls over me in the past. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just really miss you and I often do and I hope you’re reading this or read this one day. I don’t think it’d make a difference. I should probably just tell you this to your face but I’m afraid you won’t care.
So it’s gonna be a pretty eventful week. Three finals, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. And then I have cheer tryouts Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I’m not really nervous, I’m just so anxious. I want to be on a team already, I want to have friends and find a best friend who treats me the way I treat her. And I want to meet new people and among those people a lovely boy who doesn’t just want to use me. I’m excited for the future.
